The beginning of the end

I can't believe how incredibly mature I am at the ripe age of 29 (almost 30). I keep asking myself, "self, do you think that you will ever be a grown up?" The answer I constantly find myself repeating...NO.

I was at breakfast with my friend Allyson one morning, and somehow we found ourselves on the topic of poop, as we often do. I don't know what it is about that cute little brown stuff that comes out of our butts that I find so funny, but it just IS. So, we had our usual conversation about people who almost pooped their pants, etc, and go on about our business as mature and responsible adults would. We talked about the weather, the changing leaves, and our relationships, and/or lack of relationships.

As I dropped Allyson off at home, I realized that I didn't have much time left. So, below, my friends, you will see what started the next revolution in "bathroom reading." Enjoy!

"The Death of a Pair of Pants"

As I was turning right onto O'Farrell, I noticed an even deeper burning in the pit of my stomach. I could feel my butt muscles contracting and releasing and knew that I didn't have long. As I got to the end of 9th street, I was stopped by the light. I looked the driver in the white Subaru in the eyes and he knew. We exchanged glances, as he gave me a sympathetic look. I had made it this far, and I wasn't going to let this happen to me AGAIN!

I got to the light at 8th street and was stopped once more. I envisioned myself running the light so that the tragic accident would not take place. Each new light that entered into my life stopped me. Every single light that I could have made turned red to taunt me with the inner struggle that my mind and stomach muscles were having. I finally made it home without a problem, but couldn't seem to get out of the car.

I prepared myself for the long walk to the door and the fact that I would have to get my keys out and get into the house. Once I entered the house, I could feel it coming. Can I make it to the bathroom???? NO...it's not going to happen. It is coming with a fierce vengeance. I made it into the bathroom within split seconds, and thanked the lord above for saving me the agony of shitting my pants!